| Friday, December 25th, 2009 |
| 10:44 am |
Christmas day joke
Good morning Christmasites! Whilst I'm waiting for the family to finish farting around I thought I'd share a quick joke from Paul Hendy: Q. What do you get if you drop a piano down a mineshaft? A. A flat minor Ha! Current Music: The Animals - House of the rising sun |
| Saturday, December 5th, 2009 |
| 7:23 pm |
Edinburgh Marathon 2010 signup
I have registered to run the Edinburgh Marathon in 2010. It is on the 23rd May 2010, and at the moment I am relatively scared. I plan to start some kind of serious training regime in February so over the Christmas period I'll come up with some kind of training strategy and post details of it on this blog to keep motivated. Current Music: Oasis - Where did it all go wrong |
| Saturday, November 28th, 2009 |
| 1:51 pm |
It's reet grim up north like
I overheard this on the train yesterday, somewhere between Leeds and Durham. [In a strong Yorkshire accent] "I'm hungry, all I've eaten today is a bloody bacon sarnie. It was only made with two bits of bread, and those were the two end bits of the loaf. AND one of them were hard and green!" Current Music: Rex The Dog - Bubblicious |
| Tuesday, November 24th, 2009 |
| 11:50 pm |
How to make a lifesize picture of Lawrence Wheeler pulling a mangina
How to produce a full life size picture of Lawrence Wheeler pulling a mangina on your front lawn (in case you felt like something was missing in your life).
- Invite homeless Lawrence to come and stay at your house for a few days
- Decide on a night to go out drinking (any and every night will do)
- Ply him with approximately 15+ Jager-bombs or equivalent
- On return home at the end of the night, get out the digital camera
- (at this point he'll probably stand in your front lawn and pull a mangina of his own accord)
- Get someone else to take the photo, you won't want to be around when this is happening
- Get the photo on your computer and clean it up a bit in Paint Shop Pro
- Print it out FULL SIZE using your laser printer
- Neatly trim the paper edges so they fit together nicely, and stick it all together with Selotape and Pritt-Stick. This step will take about an hour, but it'll be okay because you'll be excited about getting so close to the end result by this point.
The result:  A game for 1-7 players Hangover rating: 7/10 Hilarity rating: 9/10 Current Music: Cymbals Eat Guitars - Some Trees |
| Thursday, November 19th, 2009 |
| 12:45 am |
Lawrence Wheeler visits
Lawrence Wheeler is back in town from his inebriated travels in Oz and he has many stories to tell! "My number one sexual fantasy is to get fucked by 7 lebanese guys in an alleyway" Lovely. |
| Friday, November 13th, 2009 |
| 8:42 pm |
November top tip
A top tip: Don't waste time figuring out how operate the confusing controls to set the clock on your oven, simply wait until midnight and then switch the power off and on. The clock will handily be reset to the currently correct time of 00:00. Current Music: The Big Pink - Velvet |
| Monday, October 26th, 2009 |
| 9:46 pm |
Incredible non-ageing mother
Last night I got this cracking email from my Dad. Attached were two pictures of my mum modeling her walking boots and wearing some long stripy socks. One picture was taken in 1983 and the other was taken very recently (in the last few months).
At last... photographic proof that Mum / Kate has defied the ravages of time to look just as young as she was over a quarter of a century ago. Attached photos show no discernable ageing whatsoever. Photos: 1) Lake District circa 1983, 2) Forge Close 2009.   So, please no references to the "old boot" ever again, you can can see that she is now a more sturdy sole (both of them) than before. However, she would be pleased for any amusing captions, and the winner will receive a signed photo or a boot imprint up the winner's bum, whichever takes her fancy. Yours, Kate Hendy's Footman. Current Music: Santigold - L.E.S Artistes |
| Tuesday, October 20th, 2009 |
| 8:30 pm |
Facebook efficiency
I decided that I spend/waste far too time on Facebook. (I consider more than 10 minutes every 2 days excessive), so I have a new policy for usage. Whenever I access the site, I now stand up at my desk and use the computer from this posture. Obviously after about 5 minutes standing hunched over the keyboard becomes really uncomfortable and I'm forced to properly evaluate the true value of reading status updates by James Davey asking "Ou'et le clunge?". Current Music: My Vitriol - Is So Damn Easy |
| Thursday, October 15th, 2009 |
| 10:24 pm |
Need new phone
I need a new mobile phone. My current one is in the process of dying very slowly and painfully. I currently have an HTC Wizard 200 (branded as an O2 XDA Mini S). It has done pretty well for the past three years. The major selling points to me is that it has a nice big screen, slide-out qwerty keyboard and WPA (not WPA2) WiFi. It syncs with MS Outlook which is pretty good for organising my life using the calendar feature. Although it has Windows Mobile 5 which ships with Word, Excel, etc, I only use those features occasionally. I used to use the camera on my old phone a lot, but the one on this one is crap so I don't use it for taking pictures. I'm really not sure what type of phone I want to get next. I'm tempted by models which are water and shock proof, but I think I'd really miss having a big keyboard that is so quick to type on. That and I quite like being able to do a bit of web browsing when I'm in range of a WiFi hotspot. Any suggestions? Current Music: Paramore - Misery Business |
| Wednesday, October 7th, 2009 |
| 11:02 pm |
Marathon 2010
I have decided that I will run a marathon during 2010. Preferably I'd like to do it between April and June when I estimate I'll be in peak condition. After that I'll probably give up running because I don't really like it that much. Current Music: Subways - Mary |
| Sunday, October 4th, 2009 |
| 2:20 pm |
Mum's half marathon
All your Mum's are fat and lazy. Mine just ran the Felixstowe half marathon (her first half marathon) in a time of 2hrs 14mins. Amazing! Current Music: Phynn - Treasure Island |
| Monday, September 28th, 2009 |
| 12:06 am |
Tri harder #2
I think I signed up to this sprint triathlon about five weeks ago, after relentless peer pressure from some ‘friends’. The event is a 0.5k swim in a 50m pool, 15k cycle on open road and 2.7k road/pavement run. It’s the first triathlon I’ve ever done so I’d spent quite a while over the past month talking to some ‘regulars’ about the best way to approach it. PreparationI went swimming about six times over the five weeks leading up to the event. I did some really boring sessions of 1.5k to 2.2k of front crawl, interspersed with a bit of breaststroke as a treat. I bought some new anti-fog goggles and jammer swim trunks. I really noticed a difference in my speed and endurance even after just a few training sessions. I think did the cycle route four times, and a few other cycling routes of 13-25k at speed over the past five weeks. I haven't done any jogging for about a month because I've really gone off it recently though I have played a bit of football. I decided that my strategy for the event would be to do the swim as fast as I could, do the cycle as fast as I could, and then see what I have left for the run. I figured that most was to be lost or gained on the cycle because it accounted for over half of the race by time, so I should push extra-hard on that. I had a private target time of 52mins 28. But I didn’t want to tell anyone this in case I ballsed it up. On the dayI turned up about 45mins before my allotted start time of 9.10am and spent 20mins talking to friends who had already finished the event because they’d started in a much earlier wave. I tried to extract some tips, but didn't get much useful information out of them. I registered and had my competitor number written with permanent marker on my arms and legs by some old women who were absolutely lovin' it. I laid out my clothing next to the bike racks and attended a briefing where we were told some pretty useful information about how the staggered starts work, where we must go during the transitions and what to do at the end. Swim 0.5k 7mins 40I set off at a tremendous pace and overtook a woman in a teal bikini half way up the first length. Things really went to plan, I felt really smooth in the water, remembering to keep my stroke very neat; eyes up and elbows high. I was very glad for the training I’d put in over the last five weeks. I even had a little left in the tank to sprint the last 25m. It was much, much quicker than I would have done in swimming shorts two months ago. I felt a bit nauseous from the adrenaline and my big breakfast but it didn't affect my pace. Transition 1 (swim to cycle) 2mins 40Ruth shouted at me to get out of the pool. I so did pretty quickly and ran into the car park, dodging a few feckless spectators on the way. I struggled a little bit to get cycling gloves on my cold hands, but otherwise the transition went smoothly, putting on my cycling gear as I'd practiced yesterday. Hinton and a few others came over to watch me get changed, and very helpfully put me right as I started to put my helmet on before my shirt. It was very surreal to have them standing around eating burgers whilst I raced to do my shoe laces up in double-quick time. Cycle 15k 28mins 40I was completely out of breath on the first minute out of the car park and almost drowned when I tried to take a glug of my drink. I can't really remember much from the cycle, I just got my head down, used the drop handlebars, and powered along the route which I knew quite well from training. I only saw one other cyclist for the entire thing, who I overlook on a hill climb, and then regretted because he sat on my back wheel for the final five minutes which was really distracting. I went through one red light and hoped that I wouldn't get stopped by the fuzz because I knew it would affect my time. By the time I got back into the north of town the Sunday morning drivers were out in force. One cut me up on a mini-roundabout and I was so frustrated that I shouted "AHH COME ON!" really loudly. They looked in their rear-view mirror and after seeing me chasing after them with my race face on they actually pulled over to let me past! Ha! I was amazed with the time of 28min 40s (19.6mph average) for that leg, which is about a min quicker than I'd ever done it before (when I’d been fresh too). Transition 2 (cycle to run) 30seconds-ish?On getting back to the pool I picked my bike up and carried it, sprinting through the car park to drop it off at my allotted space. A middle-aged Dad hurriedly grabbed and swung out of the way some kid who was wandering into my path. Rich W was standing by my bike rack, he gave me some encouragement and I told him that I felt really sick. I took off my helmet and gloves and lobbed them on the floor by my bike. Run 2.7k 12minsFor the first 100m I was completely out of breath again, but my legs felt fine so I tried to concentrate on taking deep breaths and return to a regular breathing pattern. As I turned the first corner and started up a little hill, a stitch started developing in the top of my stomach. By the time I'd got around about 1/3 of the course the pain in my stomach was unbearable. I was convinced that I was about to chunder, so I stopped and lent against the railings of the ladies college for 5 seconds, leaning over to avoid putting my breakfast on my trainers. Nothing happened, and as I turned my head to look back up the road from where I'd come some guy overtook me. I immediately decided to use him as a pace. It turned out to be just the motivation I needed and I kept the back of his trainers in my vision until the final few roads. Some kids laughed at me as I ran into the car park and I gurned at them. I crossed the finish line and went to stand behind some big wheelie bins because I thought I was going to chunder. I briefly thought about the £20 I'd spent to put myself through the ordeal. AftermathMy official time was 51min 27 and I placed 33rd out of 284 men, which I’m really happy with especially as it was a first attempt. 34th out of 453 competitors if you include women (I was beaten by 1 woman). I felt quite sick for the next 4hours and finally managed to eat a burger at 7pm. I expect pain in my quads to set in sometime on Monday night. I think I'd really struggle to do it again and do a better time. Perhaps if I hadn't suffered from the stitch I would have finished 30seconds quicker, but it's impossible to say if I'd be able to be as motivated as I was today, next time. However, in the future I shall be much more careful about eating such an enormous amount of breakfast cereal beforehand, and not over-drinking during the cycling stage, which I think was my downfall. Current Music: The Boxer Rebellion - We Have This Place Surrounded |
| Saturday, September 26th, 2009 |
| 11:50 am |
Tri harder
My first triathlon is tomorrow so I've just been practising the transition from swim to cycle. I've heard some call this the crux of the event so I want to get it right. It basically involves being dripping wet in swim shorts and goggles, and getting changed into cycling gear as quickly as possible. My testbed for this has been standing under the shower for a few seconds, and then running out onto the landing and getting changed before running down the stairs. While I've been doing this Toby has been watching Louise Redknapp's 'Farmer Wants a Wife' on channel five. This is my preferred methodology: SWIM SWIM SWIM
Run to 'cycle racks' removing goggles on the way
Put on shorts whilst standing up
Sit down and dry both feet and ankles with a towel, keeping legs relatively straight on the ground so that water from my swim shorts doesn't wet my feet again
Both socks
Both trainers
Tie up laces, tucking the right hand one into my shoe so it doesn't catch on the bike chainring
By this point my top half will have dried a little bit, so it'll be easier to get a t-shirt on (with previously attached runner number #414)
Helmet
Cycle gloves
PEDAL PEDAL PEDAL!
The key seems to be getting shorts on before shoes, and tshirt before helmet. If those are in the wrong order then it could all go very wrong.
Updates tomorrow after the event.
Current Music: ATB - Desperate Religion (Joshua Cunningham remix) |
| Saturday, September 19th, 2009 |
| 10:59 pm |
Gary Lineker's penis
My Dad claims to have seen Gary Lineker's penis at the A40/M40 services near Oxford yesterday! No joke of a lie, Dad says that Gary walked into the toilets at the service station and went to the urinal next to the hand dryer he was using. What an amazing claim to fame! |
| Thursday, September 17th, 2009 |
| 9:26 pm |
Maximum lifetime weight
I am currently the heaviest I have ever been! Yesterday I registered a whopping 79.9Kg on the scales, putting me comfortably into the 20's on the BMI scale (20.3). I'm joining the gym on the 1st October with the aim of adding yet more weight. The long-term plan is to build up a protective layer against the winter chilly weather which has definitely started rolling in. Last winter I was absolutely freezing cycling to work each morning so I want to do something proactive about the situation. For dinner tonight I had sausages and too many chips because I also need to work on my body fat percentage. Eight months ago in January of this year it was around 12%, and now it is 10.5%, which isn't too good for maintaining temperature. Updates soon. Current Music: Frank Turner - The Road |
| Tuesday, September 1st, 2009 |
| 8:52 am |
Reading Festival 2009
This bit of dialogue sums up a lot about the festivities at Reading this year. John the Irish found about 20 Urinelle she-wee's and started to decorate his straw hat with them. Me: "Are those she-wee's used?" John the Irish: "Of course, why else would I put them in my hat?" Anyway. Lostprophets, The Prodigy, Bombay Bicycle Club; all awesome. Until next year, au revoir. Current Music: Bombay Bicycle Club - Cancel On Me |
| Saturday, August 22nd, 2009 |
| 12:14 am |
Brizzle 10k result
The weekend before last I ran the GWR Towpath 10k in Bristol. I finished in 41:07, over four minutes ahead of my previous (and only) attempt at running a 10k at speed - 45:31. I placed 37 out of 179 which is pretty good. I don't think I could have gone any faster, and my legs were still hurting over a week later. In five weeks time I am competing in a super-sprint triathlon. The distances are 500m swim, 15k road bike and 2.2k run. Tomorrow I'm going for a swim to try and improve the strength in my chest and arms a little bit. I've only been swimming a handful of times in the past year and feel that with a bit of training I could improve the swimming section significantly. Current Music: Radiohead - Just |
| Monday, August 17th, 2009 |
| 8:52 pm |
WHY IN GODS NAME?!
Why do people put two litres drinks bottles in bins without first squeezing the air out? It takes up so much room in the bin liner! I see this done almost every day! Unbelieveable. Current Music: Kanye West - Can't Tell Me Nothing |
| Thursday, July 30th, 2009 |
| 11:40 pm |
Vote Wank
Chris Freeman: "I couldn't bash one out last night, I didn't have time because I had to vote in the european bi-elections" |
| Thursday, July 23rd, 2009 |
| 8:12 pm |
TFL DLR review
Some views of the Docklands Light Railway service in SE London. John: "It has far too many stations, so it takes too long. And it's really uncomfortable and bumpy! They shouldn't have bowed to public pressure on the driver situation." Tom: "It's good, I like it! It's slow as hell but it drives itself. Sometimes you get a London transport employee on a power trip who sticks a key in a slot and they drive it for a bit. Plus it's nice and cool, unlike the underground which is really warm this time of year." Tim: "I quite like the DLR. I like the fact that it's outside and we're not underground all the time like the normal underground." Dan: "Yeah, it was my first time on it today. Bit annoying that there is no direct link to the Victoria Line, I had to walk for about 10 minutes to transfer between them." Sed: "It's the only way to travel in this area." Natasha: "I can't believe that I can cycle to work more quickly than the DLR can get me there. The stations are far too close together, you can just walk between them, and I mean easy walking distance! TFL should just remove every other station along it's length. I don't like it. Helen likes it and I don't know why.." Helen (after drinking): "I like it!" So it seems people are generally annoyed with it's lack of pace and the excessive number of stations, but enjoy the fact that it is cooler than the proper under-ground underground this time of year, and that it drives itself. Reporter Hendy speaking for LiveJournal, Isle of Dogs, London. |